We are coming up on graduation day for our seminaries, so I fielded a survey to gather the collective wisdom of priests to share with our new graduates and ordinands. These sets of “five things” are offered with thanks to the priests who answered the survey and prayers for all our clergy. It’s a beautiful and blessed – but often incredibly difficult – life.
Five Things that Surprised Us in Parish Ministry
- Worldly Behavior. Parishioners will lie to your face, maliciously gossip about you and your family behind your back, be rude to you in public … and NEVER apologize. Not just the antagonists, but even otherwise reasonable parishioners will engage in this sort of thing at some point.
- Wolves among the Flock. There is a small minority of real antagonists in almost every parish. They foment division, cause a lot of pain, viciously attack the priest, his family, and other leaders, and cannot be ignored. Seminary doesn’t prepare priests for conflict resolution with the willfully and pathologically malicious.
- Vulnerable and Alone. No one has the priest’s back; not the parish board, not visiting priests, and not his bishop. It can be a very lonely life. Friendships with parishioners are a tempting trap.
- Club Members. Many active parishioners couldn’t care less about the Gospel or Holy Orthodoxy. They tend to be very resistant to change and seem to look for excuses to get upset and/or stop coming to church. A few respond to good preaching and teaching, more to the constant, long-term application of love, but some never seem to get it. It is easy to forget that we are not the first Gospel preachers and teachers in our parishes and that most of our parishioners have have been coming to Liturgy their whole lives.
- It’s All Real. While much of what we do seems incredibly mundane, the spiritual warfare, the cosmology, the grace, and the miraculous are omnipresent. No matter what happens, the Divine Liturgy is always there to bring us back to the beauty and truth of Orthodox reality.
Five Pieces of Advice to New Priests
- Love your flock. See things charitably from the perspective of the people you serve. Don’t try to implement any changes for the first couple of years. Honor their achievements and earn their respect. Don’t expect them to respond to any power or authority that you think that you have.
- Honor and Propriety among Priests. Support other priests, to include your predecessor. Don’t build yourself up at the expense of others, especially other clergy. Never foment division within other parishes, especially those you have served or hope to serve (parish poaching is NOT okay!). Never complain about bishops and other priests in front of the troops.
- Independence. Be bi-vocational, stay out of debt, and buy your own house. Do not be a serf of the parish board. Never borrow money from parishioners.
- Support. You need a support network and good habits. This includes a healthy family, other priests, regular confession with a spiritual father, a full cycle of services, and a strong and reliable prayer rule.
Five Mistakes that Priests Make
- Unsustainable Lifestyles. Priests do not adequately prioritize their family and their own health. Stress (and a sedentary lifestyle) kills. Priests that treat ministry as a sprint risk burnout; they need to pace themselves. Everything they do has to be sustainable. Too many priests drag marriages and families that aren’t ready into the crucible of priestly service.
- Poor Leadership. Some priests seem unwilling to hear their people and properly diagnose their needs; this might make them good prophets, but it makes them poor pastors. The church needs to build up disciples and apostles, but many priests are inflexible micromanagers who refuse to delegate. If changes really are required in a parish, build support for it and take it slow.
- Unthankful. Some priests are incredibly negative. They complain too much, gossip too much, and seem unwilling to see the good in people and situations.
- Apathetic Service. Some priests seem uninterested in preaching, teaching, worship, and serving people well. Enthusiasm, joy, and competence are contagious; alas, so are apathy, melancholy, and ineptitude.
- Naiveté. New priests can be very idealistic. They mistakenly believe that people care about the priest and church; with few exceptions, they don’t. Most parishioners want a “tamed, timid milquetoast person masquerading as a man to do chaplain work – not a priest and certainly not a pastor.”
Recommended Resources
- David Allen. Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity.
- Keith Cook. The First Parish: A Pastor’s Survival Manual.
- Kenneth C. Haugk. Antagonists in the Church: How To Identify and Deal With Destructive Conflict.
- Lawrence W. Farris. Ten Commandments for Pastors New to a Congregation.
- John Whiteford. Starting a Mission and Building a Parish.
As a new, late vocation deacon, I have to say that what’s missing here is the diaconate. A deacon does have his priest’s back, so he is not alone, neither in the Divine Liturgy or after it. A vibrant diaconate can help the priest and the parish. I’d go so far as to say that every priest should be looking for and cultivating future deacons, and then mentoring them through the process. Glory to God!
I would like to agree with you Fr. Deacon, but the number of deacons who have undermined the priest in the hopes of taking over the parish are legion.
Thank you, Dn. Nicholas! I am working on an article on this very thing because I agree with you. I have two deacons here at St. Michael’s (and, Lord willing, will have a third in another week!) and it is a real blessing. To be honest, though, I have seen well-meaning deacons who fell into traps and ended up hurting their concelebrant and fellow-minister (they were manipulated by people that were building coalitions against their priests; the deacons thought they were providing real assistance). A good deacon is an unmitigated blessing – may God grant you many blessed years!
I look forward to your articles. This is a most helpful website, and I’ve learned much from it.
May I and all other deacons avoid falling into delusion as you’ve described and instead serve as true servants in Christ for their priests and parishes.
A few things my priest does wrong:
– Treats everyone the same in the negative sense of the word. He has prejudices.
– Preaches to his flock which are every week in the church that those who stayed home must come to the church.
– If a laymen knows it better, he can’t say what that laymen is saying is true. He will try to proof you wrong although you got it from the Church fathers.
– Only visits us with Easter and Christmas to collect his money for his service.
I suspect that the list of “priestly mistakes” parishioners keep on most priests (certainly of me) would be even longer than this.
I hope to field a survey of advice for priests from laity, although I will have to be careful. It can be a bit overwhelming to see to the gulf in expectations priests have for themselves and from parishioners, especially if the forum is setup (implicitly or explicitly) to illicit critiques.
Remember, it is also worthwhile (perhaps more so?) to describe the positive attributes we have seen in priests so that the rest of us can grow towards that (warnings of things to avoid and/or that people don’t like are useful, too). The perception of simony is, alas, a bit too widespread (although in their defense, many priests rely on trebi to augment their salaries and support their families).
God bless you and thank you for your input!
EXCELLENT SURVEY COMMENTS.THIS IS GREAT.ORTHODOXY NEEDS MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
Please include Eugene Peterson’s book, “The Pastor: A Memoir” on your list of recommended resources. It is more about “being” than “doing.”
It looks like a great book – thank you. Here is a link:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Pastor-Eugene-H-Peterson/dp/0061988200/ref=lh_ni_t?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER
BTW, I will begin working on a stand-alone page for the website with a list of such books and readings. If anyone has suggestions, that can e-mail me (father.anthony@yahoo.com) or post them.
Listen to the three excellent talks On the Priesthood by Fr Josiah Trenham. Obtained: http://orthodoxinfo.com/general/frjosiah_holycross08.aspx
Take advice from Orthodox clergy rather than from other sources. I do not want to be a bigot, but there is a real difference in the emphasis on the importance of the Holy Mysteries that is absent elsewhere.
St John of Kronstadt’s My Life in Christ is a must. It has stood the test of time
Thank you, Fr. Raphael. It’s a good point on the Mysteries. Just to be clear, I (and others) believe that there are pastoral issues that are treated well in selected heterodox offerings; when we recommend such things, it does constitute “advice from Orthodox clergy”.
Your mileage may, of course, vary.
But Orthodox sources should, of course, receive priority! I really look forward to listening to the talks. They look like a fantastic addition to the “lending library”, as well.
We are blessed to receive our first priest in August, and a new building. All of us are converts with exception of a few babies born in the last year. I am the most negative person in our parish, but I thankfully haven’t heard any gossip pertaining to the clergy at any level. I think this is an article that reflects the dangers of taking our ancient heritage for granted.
The great thing there is that the factors/culture present at an institutions genesis tend to become institutionalized; make an extra effort to be positive towards parish life, see the good in people, etc and you will offer an incredible legacy for generations to come. The opposite is, alas, also true… which is why parishes formed from schism take so long to heal (but the constant application of God’s love and the reality of His salvation is real and effective, so there is always hope!).
What was missing is parish board members who lie to the Bishop and have no shame in doing so. But, honestly they are voice of the few rotten apples not an entire parish.
As a clergy wife it has been extremely difficult to stand by and watch how mean-spirited some parishioners are. Even the “good” ones eventually slip and their perception is that priests come and go but that they need to stay and survive in the parish. The us vs them mentality is way too prevalent. Thank you for your wonderful work on this issue. My personal observation is that our current bishops are much more connected to their brother priests than previous bishops ever were.
It’s hard to overstate the aspect of “vulnerable and alone.” Nothing feels as bad as mistreatment or the like coming from a trusted figure, particularly another member of the clergy. Know who your friends are. REALLY know who they are. Don’t even “vent” to someone you wouldn’t be willing to have adopt your children.
As for mistakes, “Too many priests drag marriages and families that aren’t ready into the crucible of priestly service.” The problem is that we never know what we’re in for until after the ordination, when the hands have been removed from our heads and cuffs placed on our wrists. We offer ourselves up as a sacrifice, and, by extension, our wives and children. We must seek to limit the collateral damage, but I truly don’t think it can be eliminated.
Independence? I know the bi-vocational route, and there are notable benefits. The difficulty here is in avoiding complete mistrust of the Church and a desire to store our treasures in barns, even building bigger ones as needed. There’s also the interminable balance to be struck between secular work and priestly work. Frankly, though, until parishes can readily afford a total compensation package of $60k for a new priest (and six figures for an experienced one with a large parish), bivocational service will become the increasing norm. Parishes with a bivocational priest will need to work hard to ensure that they do not rob him and his family of their vitality through burnout.
There is a freedom in buying one’s own house, but, in many places, it will not be possible to do so as a primary residence. (Does anyone think a priest can serve a parish in NYC, San Francisco, or even Chicago and afford a residence on typical priest pay? Parishes in these locations do well to own a generous rectory.) At the same time, a rectory without a mortgage and expenses paid by the parish is worth a solid $2,000 or more per month to the priest, a value that would not be possible if paid out in cash and housing allowance.
These are good points, Fr. Basil. You have thought about and written well on this subject; what can seminaries and bishops do to better ensure that we don’t set new families (or families new to the priesthood) up for failure?
A wise priest once said, ” 10 percent of the people will love you, 10 percent of the people will hate you, and the rest could care less.”
All of this kind of talk makes me sad. I think this forum is not good. It is just stirring up bad feelings. Just pray. Everyone who is a priest or is not one who loves his priest or does not, just pray and keep your mouth shut about all the bad stuff. Please don’t cheapen what is important. Christ loves all of us, even me.
Thank you, MA for your prayers. It is dangerous to air dirty laundry; it can sound like we are defiling and disrespecting the Pearl. And it can certainly go to far as people grind their favorite axes. It is saddening. The only reason why it may be worth the risk is to make sure that those considering ordination know not just how wonderful the priesthood is (it is!), but how challenging it can be. The bitterness that comes through from some comments also shows what it can do to good men who are seriously devoted to and in love with Christ and Holy Orthodoxy.
I really do respect and understand your concerns. Thank you for sharing them.
I see this forum as one that can help newly Ordained Priest and Deacons understand what to expect and to be prepared for ahead of time and not after mistakes have been learned. I was a medical practitioner before entering ministry and there are many similarities. You are at the beck and call of all, and there are going to be those for you and those against you. People will try and use you for they own ends, but you have to keep your relationships pure in action and motive. The phyletism that exists in the Churches is real and if you are not of the right ethnic group, as I experienced, you will not experience the love you would expect. Love all and many of these barriers will breakdown, but not all. Phyletism was declared heresy in the 1800s by a Council, but remains a serious problem in many Churches.
I would say learn what can be learnt from the discussions. Many wise things have been said. Read the old books as well as the new books on Pastoral care. You are going to have to learn all the liturgical practices like an actor learns his cues. The difference we are in the presence of the “heavenlies” during our Liturgies and other Mysteries so use the opportunities to keep yourself pure and filled with love for the people at all times, even those who hate you. PrepareSpiritually for every Service.
May God be with you as you perform your tasks and duties serving the people. Cultivate the qualities of a good servant of the Lord. The reactions must be passive and I agree, “keep your mouth shut” and do not take sides, but walk prudently and with a ‘neptic’ awareness for the attacks of the enemy.
Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me a sinner!
Amen! A beautiful reflection, Father Raphael – thank you.